Sex Toys & British Attitudes

I am a little late coming to this story. Blame the busy summer season in my day job. Actually, blame the busy every season in my day job. Which is also my night and weekend job too. Fortunately I really enjoy it. But I digress.

Let us discuss sex toys. The different types, varieties and uses of them. How good they feel and how they make you react. Glamorous, designer and expensive sex toys made from top class space age materials. Artistically designed and styled sex toys made from glass and crystal; presumably blown by a master craftsman. And lets face it, being blown by a master or mistress of their craft is always good.

Powered sex toys, manually operated sex toys. Sex toys for boys, sex toys for girls. Sex tpys for both. At the same time or separately. Sex toys for the vagina, anus, penis, nipples. And let us not forget the joys of sex toys that are ad libbed. Vegetables, household objects, you Wholesale-10-PCS-font-b-Random-b-font-Color-Crystal-font-b-Jewelry-b-font-Stainlessknow the sort of thing.

SAFETY WARNING 1: anything not designed to go upo your arse is potentially dengerous. Butt plugs have flanges and rims (pun intended) for a good reason…you do not want anything slipping in the whole way by accident because it will not be coming out without a hospital visit, good deal of embarrassment and the x-ray of your escapades being shown at a nurses Christmas party at some point. Or even going viral on Instagram.

SAFETY WARNING 2: Bottles are a very very bad idea unless inserted base first. Think vacuum, people. If you are not sure what I mean, look up the legal case that ended the career of silent movie star Fattie Arbuckle. And once you have had a big drink to get over the visions, remember my warning!

Anyway, if you have reached this point in the article you have probably not been too offended or horrified by the mention of all the devices. So why the hell would people complain about Katy Price talking about using vegetables as sex toys on Loose Women ? Admittedly I am funnier than she is, but come one people! Get a grip!


Getting Laid In Marbella & Ibiza

If you are a man visiting either Ibiza or Marbella then you are confronted with a vast and bewildering array of sexy females who are either seemingly available and keen to party; or absolutely definitely available and ready to party. In the words of Pretty Woman “I appreciate the romance but I am a sure thing.” In short, men in Ibiza and Marbella have the choice between exciting and sexy amateurs or even sexier and more exciting professionals. Welcome to the world of professional escorts in Ibiza and Marbella.

tumblr_nskiy4EuEH1uxpmb6o1_500If you are looking for romance, companionship or just a sexual adventure then it is one of the most basic choices; do you invest time, energy and money in the hunt for an amateur partner and gamble on finding one who is up for it and up to it? What if you spend hundreds of euros and fail to pull? Worse, perhaps you succeed in finding a partner only to find that she is lousy in bed and a real sexual disappointment?

Or do you go the other route; engage the services of a professional escort while you are in Ibiza or Marbella? It might not have the thrill of the chase and the prospect of long term romance, but it does guarantee that your money is going to produce a result. And you can also be sure that the woman that you invest money to spend time with is a sexual athlete who will be able to rock your world and deliver your secret desires – no matter how unusual they might be!

tumblr_nwkth7Gzay1ufc8mto1_540If a man is in Marbella or Ibiza and wants an erotic adventure, then that is the choice; hope to get lucky with an amateur or make the decision to look for the sexiest escort Marbella has to offer or the most exciting escort Ibiza can provide?

The great thing about escorts is certainty. Yes, there is always the question in the back (or front) of the clients head about whether the girl is actually into them or the act they are performing together. But is that question mark of paranoia there even in an encounter with a civilian? But with an escort you know that the result is guaranteed. You are going to get laid if you want to!

And, within reason and the bounds of negotiation, pretty much every sexual desire or fantasy you might ever have is within reach with a professional Marbella escort or a high class Ibiza escort. All the things that you either get up to on your first pharmaceutical and adrenaline enhanced first date, or you spend weeks or months working up to with a “girlfriend” are there for the asking with a professional. From the most vanilla of wanting to try some new positions to those whose tastes are more exotic, there is bound to be an enthusiastic and skilled professional only too willing to help!

High-Class London Escorts

There are a few misconceptions about prostitution in England and everything related to them; brothels, escort agencies, legality, clients.

The first is that it is illegal to be a prostitute in London. It isn’t. It is perfectly legal for a woman to sell her time, or even to explicitly sell sex. Being a London escort is perfectly legal under English law. It is illegal to solicit in the street (streetwalking) and it is illegal to advertise in telephone boxes. But actually selling sex is totally legal. So London escorts are not breaking the law unless they do things that they probably don’t want to do anyway!

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Hardly a streetwalker!

Being a client of a prostitute in London is not illegal. Unless you solicit a woman in the street. (kerb crawling is an offence; as it should be because it is offensive!) But making a date with any number of beautiful and sexy London escorts is perfectly legal. As long, of course, as they are of legal age and have not been coerced into prostitution in any way. And Amnesty International are more right than Hollywood actresses; the majority of London escorts – escorts everywhere – are in the profession by choice.

Brothels are illegal in England. But the definition of brothel is so strange as to be bizarre. In a nutshell, any premises (apartment, house, shop front) where more than one woman is selling sex at the same time qualifies as a brothel. So two independent mature women who rent an apartment together to work from, or even live together there all the time as their residence, are breaking the law in the same way as a brothel with 50 girls in it.

But the client is still not breaking the law.

It seems rather perverse that selling sex is legal, but for female London escorts to collaborate to stay safe is not. In reality, and as the Crown Prosecution Service own guidelines state, no-one will be prosecuted unless their neighbours complain about public order issues or there is more serious illegal activity going on; human trafficking, narcotics, money laundering.


Chelsea Cloisters in London

Just to be on the safe side though, some clever London escort girls have worked out how not to work together directly but still remain safe. They rent short-term apartments next to each other in places such as Chelsea Cloisters, which has so many London escorts working there at any time it is astonishing (surely the management must know?). The old joke is that if fifty escort girls were laid end-to-end at Chelsea Cloisters it would just be a normal Tuesday afternoon.

Other smart and business-like London escorts rent apartments between them, which minimises costs, but then carefully manager things so that they are never in the apartment at the same time. Which avoids the legal issues rather neatly.

Escort agencies in London are in a slightly more ambiguous position. Selling sex is entirely legal for the women who do so. But for a third party to sell the sexual services of another person is illegal. So managing an agency that works with London escorts is legal if they sell time and companionship. And it is perfectly legal for the London escorts who meet gentlemen to meet them and then sell sex. But if the agency bridges the gap between those two things, then the law has been broken. Insane, isn’t it?


Check her age anyway!

So on the face of it, escort agencies in London and the rest of the UK have to be extremely careful about the services they offer. But in reality, as long as they are not involved in human trafficking, working with girls who are under-age, narcotic distribution or money laundering, they are not going to be bothered by the police or local authorities.

So the key to running a successful escort agency in London is simple. Check the ID and background of all the escorts that approach you and pay your taxes! But that’s pretty much good business practice in any case really. Yet far too many agencies still get these most basic of steps wrong. Why?

People in England have the belief and perception that everything to do with escorts and prostitution is illegal. So people who do not understand the real situation act as though they are in an illegal business. They fail to pay tax, they don’t do the basics that any business should. Which makes them illegal. And so it goes. The majority of cases in England where the owners of escort agencies have been prosecuted (and there aren’t many) have involved tax evasion, benefit fraud or drug-related crimes.

Keep everything inside the law and you will be inside the law!

Marbella Escorts

Marbella and the Costa del Sol are strange bedfellows.

The eastern end of the Costa del Sol – Torremolinos, Benalmadena, Fuengirola and Mijas – are where the Daily Mail tends to send journalists when they are looking for stories about benefits cheats, drugs and the Spanish being racist toward British immigrants.

The Western Costa del Sol – Marbella in particular is where the Daily Mail sends journalists to find gangsters, , celebrities, drugs and stories about the Spanish being corrupt.


Mermaid statue – Puerto Banus

But the Costa del Sol and Marbella in particular is also where Daily Mail journalists come to play golf, relax with their families and try to hang out with celebrities!

The Costa del Sol was originally a series of small white villages centred on fishing and farming. But aside from the ability to grow pretty much anything including oranges, grapes and olives – all of which had been world famous since Roman times – the Costa had one big thing going for it. 300 plus days a year of sunshine. Not too hot in the summer, not too cold in the winter; it is basically, like southern California, the Goldilocks of climates. And with the advent of air travel from the 1960s onward, it became a destination of choice for Northern Europeans.

Marbella was a tiny village of 800 inhabitants until the 1960s, when Prince Alfonso of Hohenlohe-Langenburg opened The Marbella Club and focused on attracting international


Ava Gardner

celebrities to stay in what was then a peaceful and hidden jet-set hideaway. Guests included Hollywood stars such as Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor, Ava Gardner, Cary Grant and Laurence Olivier as well as a host of the major European aristocratic families.

No doubt the first high-class escorts arrived in Marbella at exactly the same time!

In 1970, the resort of Puerto Banus opened and Marbella´s popularity sky-rocketed. Sunshine and glamour brought in money, royalty and celebrities from all over the world, which brought in the support staff of builders, chefs estate agents and of course, escort girls.

The lack of extradition from Spain to the UK (and elsewhere) also brought in a less savoury element of gangsters and fugitives. So much so that it earned the nickname Costa del Crime. And, as you would imagine, professional escorts were always in high demand to help such testosterone fuelled people relax. Besides, if you are a successful businessman / gangster you deserve to have a beautiful and sexy woman on your arm, don’t you?


1980s style from Dynasty

I’m sure you can imagine the look of the Marbella escorts from the 1980s – big hair, shoulder pads, dark tan and lashings of blusher. But a lot more “natural” looking in other ways as boob jobs weren’t as common then. These days a boob job almost seems compulsory for any escort in Marbella. But it has to be said that the really successful high-class escorts in Marbella are now actually very unlikely to be enhanced. A flatter chest has the same cache that white skin used to have in the Victorian era.

These days, Marbella is almost a theme park for escorts and prostitutes of all kinds. Year-round, the “adult entertainment” section of Sur in English is filled with classified ads that leave little to the imagination and often shock first time visitors. In the height of the summer there are nearly 5,000 professional escorts working in the Marbella area. And that is excluding all the semi-professional girls who will shag for a night out and a handbag!

To give you a sense of scale, that means that at any given time in the summer there is roughly 1 escort girl in Marbella for every 20 men! Not bad odds on the buying side of the equation. And what a choice of sexy escorts there must be!

Well…yes and no.

Many of the Marbella escorts who visit for the summer don’t realise how competitive the market is and only manage to stay for a few days when their dreams of instant fame and fortune fail to materialise. Being an escort in Marbella is like any business; it takes time to really develop a presence.


Modern escorts are a bit more stacked

A large proportion of the Marbella escorts work on the famous second line in Puerto Banus, where they ply their trade in the bars and on the street. Its messy and can be fun if you are into that sort of thing…

Then there are the “houses” or brothels where a gentleman will find up to 200 Marbella escort girls at any time. These vary from the long established and stylish Milady Palace through to mid-range friendly places such as The Glass Palace to outright knocking shops. Then there are the private residences used as “houses” which are often fronts for criminal gangs.

But there is still a huge choice of girls working independently and for the major Escort agencies in Marbella. So relax, enjoy yourself and choose the girl or agency that you feel most comfortable with.

Escorts In Ibiza

Ibiza is well-known as a party island. When Hollywood wants to show that a character is sophisticated, wordly wise and has a wild side (such as the Victor Garber character in the TV series Power) they say that they have visited Miami and Ibiza. Its been that way for decades now. From the hippies dropping out and tripping in the 1960s to the mega-clubs and hedonism of today, with clubs such as Pacha, Space and Amnesia being world-famous, Ibiza has always been about pleasure with a slightly counter-culture vibe. Even when the counter-culture is now mainstream!


So the beautiful and wealthy people – and those who want to watch them – have been hanging out in Ibiza for a long time. And they still do. And where there are people like that, or any people at all, there are beautiful women who are willing to trade their looks and time for money. Escorts. Whores. Hookers. Call-girls. Courtesans. Prostitutes. Putas. Whatever term you want to use is fine. None of them are negative as far as I am concerned. Once a girl has decided to be in the business of selling her company for money, its all semantics and economics.

Where there are men (and women) looking to have a good time, there will be women (and men) willing to help them scratch that itch in return for money. And when alcohol, sunshine and recreational pharmaceuticals are thrown into the mix, it becomes a certainty that ladies of horizontal refreshment will be present.

Escorts in Ibiza are no different to escorts in Marbella, escorts in London or anywhere else. Indeed, they are no different in a business to any other market. Or in a socio-economic sense to any other group of people.

There are high class Ibiza escorts, who are at the very top of the market. The type that in The Wolf of Wall Street are described as “Blue-Chip”. They are stunningly beautiful women, usually aged 25-35, and often they are professional models. They are normally well educated and well traveled. Some are actually well-known faces. believe me, you would be very surprised at who has spent time as a professional Ibiza escort! Typically, these ladies will be charging between 500 and 1,000 euros an hour for their time. That type of fee is not for the faint hearted, but if you can afford it then it is well worthwhile!


Then there are the mid-market Ibiza escorts, charging 250-500 euros an hour. The NASDAQ. These sexy Ibiza escort girls are still gorgeous, sexy and great fun to be with. No-one would be embarrassed to be seen socially with one of these girls. In fact some of the best escorts Ibiza has to offer work in this market as they prefer the type of work, or prefer to be busy. Age wise, this could be women between 18 and pensioners! As the male population ages and remains as fit -or fitter -than they were while younger, there is a growing market for mature escorts Ibiza can offer.

Next in our little tour are the girls working in the “houses” or brothels. There is some overlap between the mid-market escort girls and the girls in the houses, but not that much. The women working in the brothels may well be sexy and attractive, but they tend to be a little less interested and interesting. Frankly, you would be in that environment too! Don’t get me wrong, some of the houses and their ladies are amazing. Truly classic houses of sin in the tradition of Parisienne or New Orleans brothels. Real James Bond sets! But most aren’t. tumblr_nskiy4EuEH1uxpmb6o1_500

There are a group of Ibiza escort girls who specialise in working the bars, hotels and nightclubs. Many of these also work with a major Ibiza escort agency but think that if they can earn some extra money while partying, then what the heck?! Obviously the agencies will not get a percentage of that income as the girls are totally independent and free to do what they want. For many clients, meeting a working girl in a bar and paying for a “sure thing” is actually a much better call than spending a fortune on drinks, a meal and entertainment and then either not getting lucky or having such a half-hearted time that they wish they hadn’t bothered!

There are a few things you can guarantee about a successful escort in Ibiza; she will look stunning, have an amazing body, and be as adventurous a performer as most men could desire in bed. Indifferent performers simply don’t last in a market as busy as Ibiza.

Last there are the streetwalkers. And the less said, the better.

And this whole scene exists alongside the main party scenes that brings nearly a million visitors to the White Island every year. Or perhaps it sits under it, or in front of it. It is often hard to tell the difference between working girls and amateurs in Ibiza. Though the old saying is that if a girl looks like a hooker, she is probably a tourist.

But whatever your taste, preference or orientation there is certain to be someone or something in Ibiza to tickle your fancy or whatever it is you want tickled!